I suspect that my entry today will seem pretty long, just as a warning. I just finished watching "The Price of Beauty," a VH1 show by Jessica Simpson, and my heart is full. It's pretty amazing how many women out there feel less than beautiful. And I know that I, for one, can relate to it because I have always struggled with my sense of self-acceptance. I normally don't try to post personal photos on here, in order to be more professional with this blogspot in particular. Today, however, I feel that I need to make myself vulnerable to the strangers out there who may be reading this- in order to explain the points I'd like to make.
As far back as I can remember, I have had self-confidence issues. I felt ugly or fat. Always. It was ALWAYS something. I look back on it now and just roll my eyes because I am in a much better place than I think I have ever been in that arena. It's funny how maturity will give you that gift. Because the reality of it is that I am no less heavy and no more attractive than I have ever been in my life... I think I am just getting better at accepting my flaws and for that reason they are disappearing, as flaws, in my mind. Let me emphasize this point: They are disappearing AS FLAWS. My weight isn't changing significantly, my skin imperfections aren't going away, and my nose isn't getting smaller. I simply choose to see them as "parts of me," rather than "flaws of mine," and for that they seem more in place. I think that often-times, people hear that someone has accepted their flaws, and sees it as laziness. Like that person was finally like, "Alright, look. I've been working my ass off at the gym and I'm tired of it. I want to quit... I'll just accept that I'm not naturally skinny." I call bull crap. I go to the gym MORE now than I ever have in my life. I've simply changed my outlook on my body. I don't want to be the skinniest girl on the planet anymore. I don't want to eat Granola Bars and water for a week to lose 5 pounds. I want to be healthy from the inside. And I'm not trying to come off as some "spread joy and fairy dust" person here... I want to actually be healthier. I want my internal organs to function at their best. I want to get the right vitamins in my diet to have shiny hair. I want to work out and get the right nutrients so the chemicals in my brain allow me to live my life with joy and not depletion. I don't want to "deplete" from my life at all- I want to add to it! And you know something? I'm not the skinniest I've ever been. Do you want to see me at the skinniest I have ever (in my adult life) been? This is me around Halloween maybe 5 years or so ago:
I am exhausted. And tiny. And EXHAUSTED. My poor little body was just so tired of running on no fuel and no nutrients. Even my hair looks stringy and kind of unkempt. See, ladies, this is what happens when you forget to take care of yourself!
Like I said before, at almost every point in my life, I have felt inadequate. When I was in middle school, my boobs weren't big enough. When I was in high school, I had braces. Even when I got my braces off, I had these two teeth (they're called your "eye teeth") that were smaller than the rest of my teeth. It's pretty common, actually. My point is, I was SO embarrassed of them that for YEARS I covered my mouth when I laughed or even smiled. People thought I was just plain rude. It wasn't until I was on my own dental plan that I finally got them fixed and felt comfortable enough to smile consistently without shielding it. It's amazing how much we care about the little things that no one else does. Look at these two photos, and tell me you can see a difference enough to tell me I deserved to cover my smile:
My point exactly. We, as women, spend so much time worrying about how much we weigh or how thin our lips are compared to Shiloh Jolie-Pitt's... that we forget what is the MOST beautifying thing of all: Self-love.
To close this out, I want to let you in on a little secret I recently realized. You know how people say that you "glow" when you're in love? It would seem that is because you have some kind of chemical/hormonal thing in your body that makes you just so happy all of the time. But do you know what I think the reason behind your glow d'amore? YOU. It's because you love YOURSELF, not some guy. Because if you do have a boyfriend, I'm guessing you must be pretty self-confident. Because lets face it, unless you're dating one of those total jerk guys who feeds off of your lack of self-esteem, guys like confident girls. Some Prince Charming didn't come along and magically make you start believing in yourself- he came along (and showed interest in you) because you started believing in yourself. No guy wants to date a girl who is constantly talking about how fat/ugly/flat-chested she is. This is why women rarely marry the guy they date when they're, like, 15. You just don't love yourself enough to let someone else love you too. And for some of us, it takes DECADES to get there. But trust me, it's worth the wait. I have, as I said before, never felt more comfortable in my skin. Sure, some days I will feel like a cow, and some days I spend WAY too long staring at that sneaky little worry line I'm afraid is coming to get me far too soon. But all in all, I love myself. For the first time in a long time. And because of that, I also feel in control of my body for the first time. I don't feel like how I see my body controls my attitude, I feel like my attitude determines how I see my body. And that's pretty freaking cool.
(self)Love,
Lula Mae
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